All Pugs Must Die. They’re the pandas of the canine race

Useless creatures who wouldn’t exist without humans…like pandas. Can they even fuck and procreate on their own? No! Stupid human breeders do it for them. They should seriously die off already. I don’t find either pugs or pandas cute enough for the effort to save them from extinction.

I’m going to skip a few chapters in my FTGBISH series. The guy I’m rooming with is short and annoying just like his dog. You know how they say owners look a lot like their pets? Well his is a pug. Pugs are ugly as sin. His has got lots of health issues. But he loves his dog more than anything. He hates it when I refer to it as an “it.” But I don’t give a shit.

They say it’s a good companion animal for people who like to feel needed. I can attribute this owner who shall not be named to be a very helpful guy. Always asking people what they need. Whatever you need, he can get it for you.

(I also can theorize that most owners like to be in control. They control when the dog eats and by neuturing it there’s even more control–birth control if it should ever fuck anything at all. Owner can’t control his ex wife or children beyond eating habits and “sleeping” habits so there’s more love for the dog sometimes as its the most consistent and stable thing in owner’s life. Even follows owner around too–what an ego stroke.)

The problem with Owner is he thinks he’s funnier than he is. He is not. So many racial jokes, and I have a pretty good sense of humor, but he is simply annoying. He toots his own horn nonstop. Talking about how he makes the best this, makes the best that. He has [insert car make and model] here that he bought for so and so, he has a slew of trophies there. His exes are busty & beautiful, blah blah blah. I’m sick of it!

NAPOLEONIC COMPLEX to the max this guy has. He drives a really big truck. Compensating for height issues. His legs are incredibly short it’s disgusting. He never told me his height. He asked me my height and I told him over the phone. He saw a photo of me and during a live chat caught a glimpse of my legs and commented about how long they are. I think they’re okay, definitely not Russian long, maybe track and field long, but not super model tall or anything. So I told him and I asked “and you?” He said “about the same.” I asked him how tall. No answer, just change of subject.

Red flag. Whenever a guy fails to mention his height by number, he’s definitely on the short side. Whenever a guy fails to send a head to toe longshot photo of him, he’s either

  1. fat
  2. short
  3. all of the above

When we first met in person I towered over him. I thought NO WAY. I saw how grossly short his arms were: the short length from his shoulder to his arm  gripping the wheel. When I saw how short his legs are it made me want to gag. So I asked him again. Forgetting that he already asked me and heard my height, he asks me. I said “oh no, not going 1st this time. How tall?”

He says about 5’5 and a half. NO FUCKING WAY IS HE 5’5.5. Guys always lie about their height by 2 inches. And if they have to lie about being 5’5 it’s even worse. The worst thing is to lie in front of my face when I can actually gauge your height. Idiot.

…and the complex continues. He is one of the least humble guys I have ever met. Constantly shoving pics of his work on his phone down my throat. Saying how great he is at his job how great he is as a father, how great he is as a lover, blah blah blah. I can see why he’s single. I can see why his last girlfriend left him thinking it was all about his money. If he had no money he’d still be a fucking virgin with n0 kids, I’m sure. Grotesque!

Now on to pugs: their stupid tongues hanging out of their mouths like they’re retarded. How anyone can love that creature is beyond me. I can barely stand to look at it. Bad enough I’m living with someone who has that dog, now he’s making me walk it. Ugh!

Oh and the vet bills this poor excuse of a thing rings up is astonishing. This bastard could help me get back into school with one fucking phone call. But he won’t. Instead he’ll use it to continue to spend however much money on this foul monster.

Hip dysplasia, asthma– Put the goddamn dog out of its misery and put it down already! He refuses.

The dog:

  • does absolutely no tricks.
  • Very stubborn. Follows no orders.
  • Useless, does not fetch things for you.
  • Hangs around you while you’re eating waiting for anything to drop onto the floor so he can eat it. Long ass nails annoyingly clawing as it walks around the hardwood floor in circles chasing absolutely nothing.
  • Barks at absolutely nothing like a retard.Even with a sore throat it barks stupidly.
  • barks at other dogs obnoxiously, even bigger ones I wish would just attack him already.
  • Tongue hangs out like a retard lapping up air because its tongue is too long for its goddamn mouth which is constantly soaked in its own saliva.
  • its head is too large for it’s  fat body on skinny legs…that lean from hip dysplasia
  • eyes bugged out and too far spaced apart on either side of the head like a horse
  • snout almost non-existant, face looks like it’s been bashed in with a shovel
  • snores
  • too old / too fat / too dumb to jump onto and off of furniture on his own ==wait that’s a plus.
  • PAYS NO TAXES, NO RENT, SUCKS NO DICK despite having an ADHD tongue

and yet IT will forever be spoiled more than me.

Evil Mimi–what Mimi wishes she could do VS Real life Mimi

Evil Mimi: kill this goddamn dog. get away with it–without a trace.

Real life Mimi: puts an oreo cookie down on the ground for this greedy, gluttonous, groveling  poor excuse for a dog…the dog sniffs it and doesn’t proceed to eat it.

Real life Mimi cannot catch a break. That damn dog will probably outlive me. it’s on his last legs but at least it has health insurance and an owner with a bottomless piggy bank supporting it.

 

 

 

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